Trauma Drama
This week marks our 3rd week of foster training. I'm not making a video this week because I look a tired mess...and I know all my friend's will say 'whuuuut?! you NEVER look a mess!' Thanks guys ;) but this past week has really taken a toll on my body and I'm not feeling up to my usual standards. A lot of things going on at once so I'm just flat out exhausted. One of said things is my darling cousin Terra-as of yesterday gave birth to her 3rd baby, 2nd daughter, waaaaayy earlier than expected. Bebe girl is 1lb 3oz and fighting for her life so please send positive light and love her way. 
Grow big and strong little one!! ❤️
Ok, on to the nitty gritty....
Trauma.
It's a loaded word.
It makes you think of all kinds of dramatic events- domestic violence, murders, rape, etc and when you're forced to contemplate the word, you get really uncomfortable and on edge. But the reality is, all of us have experienced trauma to some degree. Lost a loved one? Trauma. Been in a car accident? Trauma. Been unemployed? Trauma. Been sued in a court of law? Trauma. Seemingly everyday occurrences will impact you so greatly that it will change you. How you think, react, empathize, sympathize, love, protect, cherish, defend, etc. So this week's lessons were about trauma informed care and discipline.
One thing I really love about The Up Center is that they are a trauma informed agency; and this by no means is an industry standard. Trauma informed care is simply teaching and understanding the causes behind the behavior and being empathetic/sympathetic to the child's background. So the next time you're in the grocery store and you see a child throwing a tantrum or violently screaming/kicking, etc. instead of passing judgment on the child (or parent) that they are spoiled or being defiant- ask yourself, 'what happened to this child to make them act in such a way?' Maybe their parents neglect them and this is their way of grabbing attention. Maybe the song that is playing over the loud speaker was playing in the car when they got in a car accident and a family member died and that is triggering an emotional response. Any and everything can be a trigger for foster children because the fact is, they wouldn't be in foster care if they weren't experiencing some level of trauma that was endangering their well being. So I can appreciate that we are being trained to stop saying 'What's wrong with you?' and to start asking 'What happened to you?' That will make the world of a difference in communicating not only with foster children, but the people and children around you.
The other topic of discussion this week was discipline. People get VERY up in arms about this one so without getting on a soap box about my personal beliefs on the matter, I'll keep this dialed in to what I've learned thus far.
You simply CANNOT discipline a foster child the way you would discipline your own children. Period. And I'll let you contemplate this for a moment as to why......
I'll wait.
Keep thinking...
Ok.
As previously mentioned above, foster children are in the care of others for a reason. Ergo, their behaviors do not warrant punishment or corporal punishment i.e. spankings, time outs, etc. because their EVERYDAY LIVES ARE PUNISHMENT. Spanking a child who has a history of physical abuse is re-traumatizing that child. Putting a child into time out or in their room alone who has a history of neglect is still making that child feel neglected. So WAKE UP everyone! It's 2015 and there's a whole new school of thought when it comes to discipline. And there is a very clear distinction between discipline and punishment. Using the old techniques of our parents and grandparents to correct behaviors (although to their credit, they did they best they knew how) will not only further damage these children, it might land you in jail. These children and no child, biological or otherwise, is your property to treat however you see fit. They are however your responsibility. And you have the responsibility to ensure that child feels safe, loved, respected, acknowledged and validated. Instead of time-out, use a time-in. Instead of pushing them away to be alone, bring them closer and explain to them why their behavior is unacceptable and have them help you do something constructive. It doesn't have to be fun for them, but make the moment a teaching moment...a moment that will instill critical thinking, independence, self-worth.
Next week we start the process of turning in paperwork and scheduling home study part dos so there will be LOTS to talk about- hopefully on camera =) I'm going to attempt some R&R to get myself well and ready for the weekend and I hope this has helped somebody somewhere change for the better. Be light and love my friends, until next time!
xoxo,
Kearsten.
Trauma.
It's a loaded word.
It makes you think of all kinds of dramatic events- domestic violence, murders, rape, etc and when you're forced to contemplate the word, you get really uncomfortable and on edge. But the reality is, all of us have experienced trauma to some degree. Lost a loved one? Trauma. Been in a car accident? Trauma. Been unemployed? Trauma. Been sued in a court of law? Trauma. Seemingly everyday occurrences will impact you so greatly that it will change you. How you think, react, empathize, sympathize, love, protect, cherish, defend, etc. So this week's lessons were about trauma informed care and discipline.
One thing I really love about The Up Center is that they are a trauma informed agency; and this by no means is an industry standard. Trauma informed care is simply teaching and understanding the causes behind the behavior and being empathetic/sympathetic to the child's background. So the next time you're in the grocery store and you see a child throwing a tantrum or violently screaming/kicking, etc. instead of passing judgment on the child (or parent) that they are spoiled or being defiant- ask yourself, 'what happened to this child to make them act in such a way?' Maybe their parents neglect them and this is their way of grabbing attention. Maybe the song that is playing over the loud speaker was playing in the car when they got in a car accident and a family member died and that is triggering an emotional response. Any and everything can be a trigger for foster children because the fact is, they wouldn't be in foster care if they weren't experiencing some level of trauma that was endangering their well being. So I can appreciate that we are being trained to stop saying 'What's wrong with you?' and to start asking 'What happened to you?' That will make the world of a difference in communicating not only with foster children, but the people and children around you.
The other topic of discussion this week was discipline. People get VERY up in arms about this one so without getting on a soap box about my personal beliefs on the matter, I'll keep this dialed in to what I've learned thus far.
You simply CANNOT discipline a foster child the way you would discipline your own children. Period. And I'll let you contemplate this for a moment as to why......
I'll wait.
Keep thinking...
Ok.
As previously mentioned above, foster children are in the care of others for a reason. Ergo, their behaviors do not warrant punishment or corporal punishment i.e. spankings, time outs, etc. because their EVERYDAY LIVES ARE PUNISHMENT. Spanking a child who has a history of physical abuse is re-traumatizing that child. Putting a child into time out or in their room alone who has a history of neglect is still making that child feel neglected. So WAKE UP everyone! It's 2015 and there's a whole new school of thought when it comes to discipline. And there is a very clear distinction between discipline and punishment. Using the old techniques of our parents and grandparents to correct behaviors (although to their credit, they did they best they knew how) will not only further damage these children, it might land you in jail. These children and no child, biological or otherwise, is your property to treat however you see fit. They are however your responsibility. And you have the responsibility to ensure that child feels safe, loved, respected, acknowledged and validated. Instead of time-out, use a time-in. Instead of pushing them away to be alone, bring them closer and explain to them why their behavior is unacceptable and have them help you do something constructive. It doesn't have to be fun for them, but make the moment a teaching moment...a moment that will instill critical thinking, independence, self-worth.
Next week we start the process of turning in paperwork and scheduling home study part dos so there will be LOTS to talk about- hopefully on camera =) I'm going to attempt some R&R to get myself well and ready for the weekend and I hope this has helped somebody somewhere change for the better. Be light and love my friends, until next time!
xoxo,
Kearsten.
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