Grief, I've learned, is really just love.

Let me first start this blog by saying thank you to everyone who showed up to or sent gifts for our baby shower- your love is very much appreciated. Also thank you to anyone who has called or texted, sent flowers or cards, just been there to listen, and all of you who have not done so because you wanted to give us space. We are so incredibly blessed that we have so many people who care about our well-being and are so invested in this journey with us. We cannot thank you enough for your kind words or acts of kindness during such a hard time in our lives.

I know there are a lot of you who have so many questions about what we've been through and what we are currently going through. I'll do my best to answer what I can but really this is my attempt of healing a broken heart by telling the story of what we've loved and lost.

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I'll start from the beginning as some of you have never really heard the story before...

 The day we got matched with our birth mom was just like any other day except I had plans to eat tacos somewhere somehow by the end of the night. It was Cinco de Mayo. I was at work carrying out my usual daily duties and came back to my desk with a voicemail on my desk phone and voicemails on my personal and work cell phone. As soon as I saw all three phones lit up, I instantly knew that it was a call from our adoption agency. I quickly called back anticipating of what they might tell me and sure enough we had been matched with a birthmother. Our adoption coordinator went over all of her medical records and current situation and finally told us - it's a girl! I was over the moon with this match and quickly called Zach to go over the details with him and we agreed to take a phone call with the birth mom later on that evening.

From the very first phone conversation we had with the birth mom it felt so easy and natural like she was more of a friend than some stranger willing to place her child in our care. She and I had a very close knit relationship; talking on the phone several times a week and texting daily. We shared stories, common interests, concerns, doctors appointments and so much more. We just couldn't believe how incredibly easy this had been and was going to be. Keeping in touch with this birth mom for the duration of our child's life seems like we had gained more family instead of obligations.

Fast forward 8ish weeks. 

June 30, 9PM: Birthmom calls to tell me that she is having pain and bleeding. At this point she's a day shy of 37weeks pregnant and had been having a bit of complication that past few weeks with blood pressure and what not. She doesn't want to go to the hospital just yet so I tell her let me know if she feels she needs to go and be checked out. 

July 1, 5:30AM: Birthmom calls to tell me that she can no longer wait due to the pain and I advise her to call the ambulance to take her to the hospital to get checked out instead of a Lyft. Zach and I had planned using this weekend to start washing baby clothes and gear and getting ourselves packed up to fly – Birthmom wasn't due for her c-section for another few weeks and now we're starting to scramble. For the duration of the morning, she is calling/texting on and off giving me an update of what's going on at the hospital, which is really just a whole lot of waiting. 

11:30AM: Birthmom calls to say that they want to induce her. Panic around our house ensues. We start calling all the help we need to get ourselves packed, flights booked, dogs taken care of, etc. etc. It's all really a blur but I remember feeling this tremendous amount of stress and simultaneous joy that we'd be meeting our little one soon. 

The next few hours is more back and forth calling/texting/coordinating on when her c-section will be and how soon we can get down to Atlanta. The hospital agrees to wait a day for her surgery until we can get into town.

4:30PM: Zach and I, thanks to my older brother, are able to grab a same day direct flight to ATL from Newport News. We land around 8PM and prepare to meet Birthmom at Olive Garden for dinner and our first meeting.

9:00PM: Our first meeting with Birthmom was exactly what I thought it would be - really laid back and easy. It was a natural meet and greet, we all felt at ease and ready to move forward with this process that had been building over the last two months. She assured us that she was 100% sure, had her mind made up and was excited to see us become parents. We end the night with hugs, excitement and high hopes. 

July 2, 6:45AM: Zach and I spent the night at a family friend's house who was more than gracious to accommodate us while in Atlanta. I got ZERO sleep from all the next day's anticipation and the prior day's adrenaline rush. We head downtown to pick Birthmom up from her house to bring her to the hospital; it's about to get real.

After check-in, the majority of the morning is really just hurry up and wait. Birth mom is still assuring us that all is well.

12:00PM: Birthmom is prepped and ready for surgery and I'm dressed for the OR. She insisted on having me in the operating room and to be the first one to have skin-to-skin contact with our future daughter. We head into surgery and it's show time!

12:24PM: The most beautiful little girl makes her way into the world, healthy screams and all. I instantly fall in love but I must admit my heart was still slightly guarded. I saw the look on Birthmom's face when she saw the baby and it was immediate joy and love – a look that made me slightly uneasy. I knew she loved her child, obviously, but this is the moment, I think, changed the atmosphere of the next 24 hours. 

After baby was all weighed, poked and measured, they brought her over to me and placed her on my bare chest. This tiny little human instantly snuggled into me and I'm melting over and over. 

 


1:30PM: Birthmom and baby are in the recovery room and Zach and I join them. I continued some skin to skin time and Zach got his first chance to meet her and transform into the incredible Dad I know his is. Not too long after we're in the room Birthmom's family comes to visit, including her two children who of course want to meet their new sister.

3:30PM: After grabbing a quick lunch in the hospital cafeteria (we hadn't eaten since the night before) Zach and I head over to the Mother & Baby suite where Birthmom and Baby are residing until discharge. We all decide I'll be staying over night with the baby as Birthmom needs to recover and I need bonding time with my new daughter.

 I barely slept that night. Partially because I couldn't take my eyes off her and partially because nurses were in and out of the room all night doing tests and checking on everyone. I changed every diaper, fed every bottle, comforted every cry, kept her warm through the night, answered all the nurses questions about her behavior.  I was sleep deprived and starving but completely infatuated. But the hospital staff continued to hand the baby over to Birthmom again and again despite knowing we were the adoptive parents. These were little things here and there that made my tiny uneasy feeling grow and grow. Birthmom still continued through the night to reassure me that all was well and she would never hurt us like that, especially after all we had done for her and I believed her. I had to, for my own sanity.

July 3, 8:00am: Zach comes back to the hospital with food (thank GOD!) and coffee (YASS!) and immediately scoops up this precious little girl who, quite literally, was an angel all night. We spend time taking pictures, talking to family and answering a million questions by various hospital staff about her adoption and what has to happen in the next 24 hours. Still through this time, Birthmom is telling us the plan is still a green-light and is letting all her various visitors know that we will be adopting. Still, this dark feeling was growing and growing and I couldn't decipher if it was my own paranoia or not.

2:30PM: Zach and I needed to figure out hotel accommodations for the duration of our stay. We weren't sure with the 4th of July holiday approaching how long Georgia would require us to stay in the state before we could go home. We'd be meeting with our lawyer at 11am the next day to sign all the paperwork then wait for the signal to go home. It could be two days it could be 10 but, we were prepared to stay as long as we needed to. We decided to get out of the hospital for a few to go buy our Birthmom a present for discharge day and find our hotel for the next few days.

As Zach and I are walking to the parking garage we both commented on how uneasy we felt. We were still optimistic but couldn't ignore the feeling that something was wrong. I agreed that when we returned to the hospital I would have an open and honest conversation with Birthmom about how she really felt about this adoption. Her and I had been extremely transparent at this point and I was sure that if she was having second thoughts, surely she would speak up and we'd talk through it. But we never got to have that chat...

About 10 minutes into our drive she calls and says "I need to talk to y'all."
My heart sinks but I play it cool.
"Hey! We're on our way to the store, what's going on?" I'm motioning for Zach to pull over.
The bomb falls.
-"I can't do this."
I wish I could tell you what the rest of the conversation was but really it doesn't matter. I remember some bargaining on my end, frustration and her just making excuses of why. She tells me she'll call me right back but I know that's a lie. She hangs up. We lose it.

The next hour or so is filled with texts and calls between our adoption coordinator, lawyer, social services, family and friends. Our worst nightmare had just become our reality and there was no changing it. Our baby was no longer our baby.

Nothing in life can ever prepare you for this type of trauma. No blog, webinar, article, second hand story, nothing. The heartache was unbearable but even more unbearable is seeing the person you love the most in pain. We cried together and we cried a lot. All we had in this moment of misery was each other and there's no person I needed more in that moment than him. The rest of that day and night was filled with tears...tears that seemed like they would never stop. Our hearts were hurt badly and it felt like we had just experienced a death. All this love we had saved up for this tiny person suddenly had no where to go...


Moving forward, we are still on our adoption journey. You can view our profile HERE; please share with anyone you know who might be considering adoption for their child.

 I know a lot of you had questions about the money and process...Our funds are still good with our adoption agency until we have a successful, finalized adoption and they will continue to present us to Birthmoms. As far as our lawyer goes, we have a 2-year contract with that firm but only in Georgia or Florida so hopefully we have another match in those states - God willing.

Looking back on this experience I don't think Birthmom expected to do this and meant to hurt us. I do think she was having second thoughts longer than she led us to believe but I'm not sure she was even aware she was having second thoughts. I know a lot of you are angry for us and hurt for us but I need you to know that we've accepted what is. Birthmom chose life for her daughter and life with her daughter. She was never ours...she was always hers. We still wish her well and we hope this baby has all she needs. We might never know the reason we were put in this position but we will never regret welcoming this little girl into the world and loving her for as long as we did.

Our hearts are still healing.

I still cry sometimes.

But, I'm learning to let my hope and faith dominate over my fear and doubt. I love Zach now more than I ever have and I appreciate and cherish our family and friends more than ever. At least that's the beauty that comes from this tragedy.

For all the worst and all the best, we are blessed.
xoxo,
Kearsten