The Weight of the Wait

It's 5:30am.

I'm awake AF & if you know me you know I am NOT a morning person. But here I am, eyeballs glued to my phone, wedged awkwardly between two fluffy and snoring puppies, at war with my mind and the universe.

 

 It's been 7 weeks since our profile at Lifetime went live and birth parents could search for us as adoptive parents. Each one of the last 50 days has gripped me with anxiety, excitment, fear, joy...I've felt it all. ALL THE FEELS. Especially at this time of year when there's a sort of expectation for togetherness, love and a Christmas miracle. Instead of being my jolly holiday self I've found myself in the grips of worry and doubt. Doubting if we're good enough, if our profile represents us well enough, worrying if birth parents won't like us, worrying that I'll spend another holiday season in sadness. My Christmas spirit is more like a Christmas fog; I am so consumed with wondering when the stork will fly by our home with the greatest gift we could ever hope for. I pray every night for the comfort of birth mothers everywhere who have to make such a courageous and selfless decision to place their baby for adoption and that when they read about Zach and I, that they feel that we are more than enough for their child. 

  I do try to remind myself daily to enjoy the wait and not dwell- torturing myself with the whats and whys isn't making the stork fly faster. While Baby Walden is checking our credentials I have managed to create a registry (or two...), accrue more PTO at work for maternity leave, Zach and I have been busy trying to create a nursery and just generally enjoy time with loved ones and each other while we're still a family of four (Artoo & Misha remind us daily they are our babies too). 

 This journey has been long and ohh so very hard. The weight of the wait has never been more intense than it is right now and even though I can't see the finish line- I don't know what he or she (or they!) looks like- I know it's enevitable and it's close. The paper work, the fundraising, the interviews, the tears and everything in between is over. Looking back, I'm not even sure how we made it this far but we're here...we made it. The universe is conspiring to tie together the most perfect gift made from the stars, wrapped in love, just for us.

And so, we wait. 

We pray.

And we wait.

And we take comfort in the promise that God has placed in our hearts to be parents knowing God's word is always honest, good and true.

 Merry Christmas to you and yours! I might not get my Christmas miracle this year but he or she (or they!) will be a miracle at any time of the year and knowing that is enough to keep the weight of the wait from crushing me. 

Xoxo, 

Kearsten. 

If you haven't viewed our profile take a lookie here: http://lifetimeadoption.com/family/?zachary-kearsten/