The Waiting Game
Two months have gone by since my last post. I would've updated more but there were lessons to be learned and it wasn't until now that I understood them enough to verbalize it.
Since you all last learned about our plot twist, I've learned a few things about God's timing. Just to clear the air on the saga with Pebbles and her Jellybean, it seems like we will not be adopting said Jellybean. I have not heard from Pebbles in quite awhile so I believe as of now it's safe to say she'll be keeping her baby seeing as how she's due at any time. I am slightly heartbroken because there was this tiny glimmer of hope and I wanted tothink believe that this was the answer to a million prayers...This scenario would've been a dream come true, but nevertheless, I wish her well.
Learning of this potential adoption back in December made me listen to my inner dialogue. I had to stop and acquiesce to my fears, anxieties and financial dilemma about pursuing IVF. Things felt rushed, out of place and uncertain and my passion to have a child (and quickly) was eclipsing my judgement. I didn't know how we were going to make it all work emotionally and financially and I'll admit now that it was quite scary but I was so over waiting that I was willing to jump in and endure whatever the consequences may be.
Insert Pebbles and Jellybean.
Taking a pause from my own mental chaos to focus on what could be with Pebbles and Jellybean made me realize there were other considerations and options in our journey. For instance, we have decided to take an appointment with The Jones Institute for a second opinion and evaluation based on good word from an acquaintance of Zach's. Not that The New Hope Center isn't great, but this could be a better fit for us.
I've also taken a bow to my own mortal timeline. Friday, February 12, I will turn 31. I never thought I'd be in my 30's trying to have my first child with such difficulty and that thought has driven me insane. In the grand scheme of things, I know I am still relatively young and have plenty of time...but in my own microcosm, I can't congratulate one more person on their 2nd, 3rd or 4th baby without wanting to scream and throw in the towel. So I had a mental funeral for the plan I laid out for myself many moons ago and I have accepted what is.
A grand lesson in all of this is learning to actively wait. Waiting on God and what God has planned versus my own works and wants has been the doozy. I thought maybe I should pray more? Maybe I'm not praying for the right things? Maybe I should take the initiative to do this and that? Well, as it turns out, my works and wants are getting in the way of hearing what God really wants me to do. I'm (re)learning to be open, receiving, vulnerable and humble to the instructions from above instead of working in my own desires and conclusions. So I'm actively waiting on the Lord. If nothing should ever materialize from this whole episode we're in... I will inevitably have the patience of a Saint. And patience is indeed a virtue.
So here we are.
Still sans baby, learning patience, waiting on God's instructions and still anxious as ever to know what comes next. For now, we will continue to save up for the treatment and medications and enjoy each other's company as a married couple with two fur babies. Our life would be more complete with kids, but it isn't incomplete without. Our turn is coming...maybe not before I turn 31 but certainly somewhere in time. And I'm okay with that. Finally.
xoxo,
Kearsten.
Since you all last learned about our plot twist, I've learned a few things about God's timing. Just to clear the air on the saga with Pebbles and her Jellybean, it seems like we will not be adopting said Jellybean. I have not heard from Pebbles in quite awhile so I believe as of now it's safe to say she'll be keeping her baby seeing as how she's due at any time. I am slightly heartbroken because there was this tiny glimmer of hope and I wanted to
Learning of this potential adoption back in December made me listen to my inner dialogue. I had to stop and acquiesce to my fears, anxieties and financial dilemma about pursuing IVF. Things felt rushed, out of place and uncertain and my passion to have a child (and quickly) was eclipsing my judgement. I didn't know how we were going to make it all work emotionally and financially and I'll admit now that it was quite scary but I was so over waiting that I was willing to jump in and endure whatever the consequences may be.
Insert Pebbles and Jellybean.
Taking a pause from my own mental chaos to focus on what could be with Pebbles and Jellybean made me realize there were other considerations and options in our journey. For instance, we have decided to take an appointment with The Jones Institute for a second opinion and evaluation based on good word from an acquaintance of Zach's. Not that The New Hope Center isn't great, but this could be a better fit for us.
I've also taken a bow to my own mortal timeline. Friday, February 12, I will turn 31. I never thought I'd be in my 30's trying to have my first child with such difficulty and that thought has driven me insane. In the grand scheme of things, I know I am still relatively young and have plenty of time...but in my own microcosm, I can't congratulate one more person on their 2nd, 3rd or 4th baby without wanting to scream and throw in the towel. So I had a mental funeral for the plan I laid out for myself many moons ago and I have accepted what is.
A grand lesson in all of this is learning to actively wait. Waiting on God and what God has planned versus my own works and wants has been the doozy. I thought maybe I should pray more? Maybe I'm not praying for the right things? Maybe I should take the initiative to do this and that? Well, as it turns out, my works and wants are getting in the way of hearing what God really wants me to do. I'm (re)learning to be open, receiving, vulnerable and humble to the instructions from above instead of working in my own desires and conclusions. So I'm actively waiting on the Lord. If nothing should ever materialize from this whole episode we're in... I will inevitably have the patience of a Saint. And patience is indeed a virtue.
So here we are.
Still sans baby, learning patience, waiting on God's instructions and still anxious as ever to know what comes next. For now, we will continue to save up for the treatment and medications and enjoy each other's company as a married couple with two fur babies. Our life would be more complete with kids, but it isn't incomplete without. Our turn is coming...maybe not before I turn 31 but certainly somewhere in time. And I'm okay with that. Finally.
xoxo,
Kearsten.
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